Achieving Happiness Column for 9-5-04 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. The Perfect Way To Be Unhappy Trying to do things perfectly will make you perfectly miserable. You’re probably a perfectionist if you’re often overly critical of your self - your weight, appearance, work - even though others compliment you on these areas. Perfectionists dismiss any kudos they receive because they’re devastated by the slightest suggestion that something could have been a little better. Another sign of perfectionism is taking on too much, procrastinating about getting it done, and agonizing over the project when it does get underway. The problem for perfectionists isn’t just their relentless striving for success.  They have excessively high expectations. Because their goals are unrealistically high, they virtually guarantee that they’ll fail to live up to their objectives. Then they are unmerciful in beating themselves up in their own mind over their perceived shortcomings. One unhappy person told me that she couldn’t possibly be a perfectionist because she couldn’t ever do anything perfectly. Perfectionists are reluctant to get close to anyone because they fear their flaws will be discovered. Often they keep themselves busy to avoid social contact. When they do get to know someone, they can be as hard on them for their imperfections as they are on themselves, which is a recipe for ruining relationships. Perfectionism certainly comes in degrees, but its plain to see that it only takes a small amount to eat away at a person’s happiness. Studies at Florida State University show that this is a problem that plagues both sexes, but it’s pervasive among women. Research by FSU psychologist Thomas Joiner found  that perfectionistic thinking causes half of the women in America to experience some degree of unhappiness, with nearly 10% to suffering from depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. Happiness is based on feeling good about your life - your partner, kids, work, friends, and yourself. Evaluating these elements is accomplished by comparing how good they are to how good you expect them to be. Excellent performance will be a disappointment if it doesn’t live up to the even higher level of excellence you expect, leaving you perpetually unhappy in your relationships and with yourself. The paradox of perfectionism is that those with the highest standards are typically those with the lowest levels of happiness. There’s an important lesson to be drawn from this insight: be aware of your expectations. Perfectionists view results as either black or white, rather than anticipating they’ll arrive with a full spectrum of colors. Does this mean you have to lower your standards? Yes and no. Much of the time you’ll be happier if you lower your expectations somewhat. However, there are some expectations that must be kept at the highest level. Take husbands, for example. They may be messy sometimes, and inattentive at other times when they’re too focused on work. Wives have a choice regarding how to think about these issues, which will control how they’ll feel and dictate what they’ll do. If a wife judges these behaviors by her husband as substandard, she’ll feel disappointed in him and become critical. She’ll let him know in no uncertain terms that he’s unacceptable in her eyes. But what if the husband has an affair? She’ll undoubtedly have the same reaction to a much more serious violation of their vows. The problem, you can see, is that she applies the same rigid standards to everything her husband does, making it impossible for him to ever live up to her expectations. Having an affair is unacceptable, and requires a hardline response. But messiness and occasional inattentiveness are not issues that rise to that level. If the wife were to expect that sometimes those behaviors will occur, she’d have a different attitude and would take a different approach. She could think to herself, “My husband is working too hard lately and isn’t paying enough attention to me or the house. But he’s a good guy who loves me. I need to find a way to help him get back into balance so he’s got some more time and energy for me and our home.” By lowering her standards about relatively less important aspects of her marriage, this wife can come to expect her husband to get off track sometimes. This allows her to see him as someone who loves her, but is temporarily out of alignment with her needs. Because she still sees him in an overall positive light, she can push for what she wants with affirming approaches that are designed to elicit understanding and cooperation.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.