Achieving Happiness Column
for 9-19-04

By Tom Muha, Ph.D.

DEALING WITH LIFE’S DIFFICULTIES

Other people can teach us a lot about living if we stop to listen to how they handled their difficulties. My friend De Winchell taught me about dealing with the most difficult experience of all - dying.

De had more than her share of difficulties in life, starting with her abusive father. But the most difficult challenge for De was being diagnosed with breast cancer in the prime of her life.

In spite of that, the first quality one noticed about De was that she was absolutely delightful. Her infectious laugh and twinkling eyes conveyed the message that she was loving life.

After her first treatment for cancer, De and her husband, Dave Ewing, forged ahead to enjoy their long-standing dream of living aboard their sailboat.

De was often delighted in the ordinary magic of life, frequently pausing  to comment on the color of the tropical waters, the beauty of the beach, or the flavor of the food she was enjoying.

De appreciated the great times she had with people, and admired the good qualities of her friends. For example, De delighted in telling people about a couple who had become remarkable friends when she was undergoing chemotherapy.

Dave and Lois Zeyher heard about De’s difficulties and were concerned about her recovering on a sailboat in the dead of winter in Annapolis. De was immensely grateful for having friends like the Zeyher’s who invited her and Dave to stay in their home during that time.

De and Lois became fast friends. Toward the end when De had been told that her condition was terminal, she and Lois were often gallivanting around Annapolis picking up items for the projects De wanted to complete before she died.

Knowing that she was dying, De wanted to create objects of beauty for her husband, her children and as many of her friends as she could. By doing this, De knew that whenever her loved ones looked at these beautiful gifts they would also be thinking of her.

Another of De’s accomplishments was learning to be deliberate, which allowed her to use her difficulties to give her life purpose and meaning.

After going through a divorce much earlier in her life, De dedicated many years to helping the singles crowd in Pittsburgh. She wrote and published a successful magazine dedicated to helping people find love in their life.

De and I talked about how writing can be a vehicle for learning to improve our own lives as well those of our readers.

The reward for De’s deliberate effort to learn about how to create love in her life was meeting Dave. He was the loving person that she’d spent her whole life looking for, and she loved him with all of her heart and soul.

As she lay dying in the last weeks of her life, she wanted to be surrounded by love. It meant a lot to her that her sister Lou had come from Michigan to stay with her during the five weeks preceding her passing.

De had times that she was afraid of dying, but she found incredible comfort in turning to the love of her life. Dave would crawl into her bed to hold her, sometimes for hours. It soothed her soul to know that love is everlasting, even if her body was not.

I was very touched that near the end De gave me her collection of books on how to be a better writer. But I wondered if there was a message embodied in her generosity?

 Which brings me to the last of what I see as De’s magnificent qualities - she was demanding. De didn’t let people get away with mediocre when she knew that they could be outstanding.   De wanted her friends and family to build the best life they could possibly construct.

During the last couple months of her life, I asked De what was the lesson that facing death had taught her that she could pass along to the rest of us.

Here’s what she told me: “Everyone seems to be rushing through their life as if what’s most important is to get to the finish line first. I’m at the end, and trust me, it’s better in the middle. So tell people to slow down and start enjoying their life while they still can.”

Words of wisdom from a wonderful woman. I’ll miss her.

 

Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.

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