Achieving Happiness Column for 9-12-04 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. HAPPINESS STARTS BY SLOWING DOWN Most people believe that if they could just solve some of their problems they’d be happier. I used to think that way too.         For decades psychology focused on helping people solve many kinds of problems - conflicts in relationships, the heartbreak of divorce, feelings of anxiety and depression, and out of control children. In years past I thought that resolving painful problems would make people happier. But I came to realize that people only ended up with fewer problems. People’s pain lessens for a while when problems subside, but quickly flares up again when the next round of problems arises. Lack of pain in the interim is not happiness. Of course, this same dilemma dogged me in my own life as well. My life was like the carnival game whack-a-mole. As soon as I clobbered one problem, another popped up. Forever fixing problems, I discovered, didn’t make me happy. So I did what any self-respecting mad man would do. I sold everything and went sailing. I didn’t know it at the time, but I had taken the first step required for becoming happy. I made the commitment to create happiness in my own life. To be truthful, I left on my sailing adventure expecting that what would make me happy was traveling to beautiful harbors and exploring tropical islands. Of course, that wasn’t what did the trick. Although I left with the intention of becoming happier, I had neglected to deal with the major source of what was making me unhappy - me. Wherever I went, there I was. I assumed that if I changed the external elements in my life, the problems would be left behind. But that only led to suffering in exotic locations. When I was living on land, I was traveling through life as fast as possible, trying to get as much done as I could. When something or someone got in the way, I became frustrated and my negative emotions became a flash flood. It was like running through the trees, unable to see the forest, having no idea where the path you are on is going to take you. All you know that you’re rushing to get there. But in your haste you keep falling in a hole, which infuriates you. Sometimes you blame the person who tripped you up because they added their demands to the load you were already trying to carry. Other times you get discouraged and feel like a failure because you keep falling in a hole. Life becomes a blur of rushing, falling into the pits, and wallowing in the bad feelings about whose fault it is that you are where you are. Finally you crawl out of the hole by beating back whatever problem had put you there, only to rush headlong into a similar hole a little further down the path. There is a distinct advantage that comes from traveling through life in slow motion on a sailboat. It gives you time to become conscious of your thoughts, your choices, and the other people that you encounter on your journey. Awareness, it turns out, is the second step in creating happiness. The ability to slow down, step back, and observe your self and others is essential. Awareness comes when you stop to look at the map, which allows you to chart your course and choose your destination. It also provides the opportunity to look around at your current location, enabling you to absorb the beauty and bounty of all that is good about where you are now. Many of the people I observed who were out cruising were extraordinarily happy. Of course, they had an advantage. After they’d gotten themselves out in the middle of nowhere only to encounter problems, they had no one else to blame but themselves. I learned a lot by living a slow life on a sailboat. Of course it’s necessary to perform regular maintenance, to pay attention to the early signs of an impending problem, and to take personal responsibility for resolving issues. But what’s most important is to get past problems as painlessly as possible and go on to paying attention to the beauty that surrounds us and the friends who support us. If you keep falling in the same hole, ask yourself how you can you can slow down to pay attention to what makes you happy. What would your life be like if you took the time to savor all that is wonderful about it?   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.