Positive Psychology Column for 8-3-03 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. Forgiveness Will Free You From Hurt Many people have a horror story that defines their life:  They were abused as a child, their first husband beat them, their wife left them, they got screwed in a business deal.  The list of how others’ can hurt you is endless. Sadly, there is no forgetting your worst memories.  They won’t go away and they don’t get better over time.  But you can get better in spite of whatever has happened because you are much more than the sum of your suffering.  You can achieve a much higher level of happiness by learning how to dispel your negative emotions about people who have pained you in the past. Unfortunately, people find it easy to hate someone who has hurt them.  They think that they can hate those people who have caused them pain and still have love in their hearts for others.  However, it’s very difficult to have love and hate living in the same heart. Just think about the people you know who are the happiest.  Do they love some people and hate others?  It’s more likely they smile at everybody and have good things to say about almost everyone.  They don’t see themselves as having enemies, and therefore do not have to live their life in fear. When someone has hurt us in the past, we’re afraid that person will hurt us again - either in reality or in our mind’s eye as we replay the hurtful scene over and over.  Hate erodes love, and eventually washes it away. There is a way to stop people from hurting you again and again, even in your memories.  It’s called forgiveness, and it’s one of the 24 character strengths that researchers have found that brings us deep feelings of happiness. I remember first learning about forgiveness when I was in counseling during my doctoral training.  I was going on and on about how horribly my mother had treated me as a child.  When my therapist responded by suggesting that I forgive my mother, I told her that my mother didn’t deserve forgiveness.  To which my therapist said, “I wasn’t thinking that she was the one who deserved it.” Forgiveness, I learned, is more than just a blessing we bestow on those who have hurt us.  It is a gift we give to ourselves.  Like any other gift it brings us great joy, for it has the power to knock down the walls that we build as a way to protect ourselves.  Living behind walls of dislike, resentment, righteous indignation and anger only imprisons you in a world of unhappiness. Forgiveness grants you the ability see the hurtful situation through the lens of love.  What a difference in perspective when you look at the person who hurt you from a place of positive emotion. Suddenly my mother wasn’t just the monster who had made my life miserable.  She was a woman whose husband was dying and who was overwhelmed by her fear and anger.  Could she have handled that tragedy differently?  Of course.  Forgiveness is not about letting the other person off the hook - it’s about getting you unhooked from the pain of the past. Forgiveness is a quiet shift away from the hateful emotions that come into your mind.  You don’t need to say anything to anyone but yourself.  You can even forgive someone who’s dead.  When their memory arises, you merely choose to think “and she’s forgiven.” Then think of something that brings positive feelings to mind.  What’s important is to replace the hate in your heart with love. The toughest person to forgive, though, is yourself.  We’ve all made mistakes.  When you fail to forgive yourself, a feeling of self-doubt and self-contempt will build within you.  After a while you won’t feel very good about yourself. As this feeling invades your life, you’ll assign a cause: I don’t have enough money, I’m overweight, etc.  This self-hate is inspired by the same primal emotion that causes us to hate others - fear.  It is the fear of not being loved.  No one is perfect.  If you don’t forgive yourself for your mistakes, your imperfections will feed your fear that you’re not good enough to be loved.  So fight your fear.  It is not as strong as love.  Learn to forgive yourself (I tell myself, “there are no mistakes, only lessons”).  Then your mind will be able to focus on appreciating your positive traits.  Over time you will feel better about yourself and radiate the warm glow of self-esteem.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.