Achieving Happiness Column for 8-22-04 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. Traumatic Events Are Life’s Turning Points It usually takes a trauma to touch our lives before there’s a significant turning point in our psychological trajectory. Some will have their happiness forever sabotaged by their sorrows, while others will find contentment in reflecting on how the crisis became a catalyst for them to grow stronger. I remember struggling academically and socially throughout high school. During those years my father was losing his battle with cancer, and my mother was losing hers with alcohol. No wonder I was lost. I couldn’t figure out how the world worked. Loving relationships were a mystery to me. Success in school required a self-discipline that I didn’t have. On the time line of my life, squeaking through high school after my father died and stumbling into a community college to escape the draft turned out to be a turning point. In retrospect, I see this period as one of the most valuable experiences in my life. Although I felt alone and confused, I was able to develop a relationship with a mentor who helped put me on an upward path to success and satisfaction. He helped me to develop a passion for psychology that has given my life meaning and purpose. He taught me that mentors are invaluable resources when you need a helping hand and a guiding light. Mentors assist by asking questions that put your problems into perspective. They help you to think of solutions rather than sink into sadness. Here are the kinds of questions that teach people how to turn a tragedy into a turning point toward a better life: > What was the best thing to come out of the trauma? If you answered nothing, then you are too narrowly focused on the downside. Even funerals bring an outpouring of support. > How are you a stronger person as result of surviving the trauma? The very fact that you made it through the ordeal says something good about you. Consider which of your character traits helped you the most in your recovery. > How did your view of the world change after going through the trauma? Although a trauma can turn your world upside down, it also gives you a clearer picture of what’s most important in life. > How did your relationships change after the trauma? Some may have gotten better, while others disappeared. Think about what you learned from those relationships that improved. > How was your human spirit touched by the trauma? Look back and contemplate what values were enhanced by having to endure your troubles. Recall how your faith in yourself, other people and the higher power was affected. > In what ways did you need this trauma in order to break through to higher level of happiness? The vast majority of how you handle life is automatic. Think about how the trauma broke your old routines and allowed you to establish a more satisfying pattern. > In what ways did the trauma make you feel more alive?  Problems often provoke an awareness of the parts of life that deserve to be savored. > What are the most important lessons from the trauma that have helped you to have a better life? Learning from your hard times is painful, but you’ll find those lessons to be the most profound. Turning points present themselves every time you are put to the test. The terrible times don’t actually make you stronger. It’s what you learn about yourself as a result of your suffering that can give your life new meaning and purpose. For many years I was angry about the problems that had made my childhood so difficult. But I’ve learned that there is nothing I can do about the events or the people that caused me so much pain. All I can do is to is make my life the best it can be now. To do that I have to deal with myself, not others. I’ve learned how to think about what happened in ways that allow me to manage my life successfully now. If you’re still stuck in bad feelings about a situation that happened in your past, then you haven’t learned your lessons. Use the questions above to find the answers you need to know in order to create a more satisfying life. You can’t avoid taking some hits to your heart, but you can decide how you’ll pour your heart and soul into giving yourself a good life now. Oscar Wilde summed it up nicely in his famous quote, “Living well is the best revenge.”   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.