Positive Psychology Column for 8-10-03 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. A Laugh A Day Keeps The Lawyer Away Keeping a marriage happy seems like building a sand castle.  Just about the time you get it looking good, a big wave comes along and wipes it out.  Sometimes it’s just the ebb and flow of the everyday tides that causes the waves to wash your sand castle away.  Other times it’s a big storm that whips up the waves and really pounds the shoreline. But the sand is still there when the storm subsides.  The basic building materials for your castle await your arrival.  Will you return to the beach and rebuild?  Or will you lapse into despair at the thought of once again having to recreate your structure? Admittedly, there are times when walking away is the right choice.  However, most people walk away because they think there is something wrong (with their spouse, of course!) that is causing them to have to constantly rebuild their relationship. We all want to believe that when we fall in love it’s the real thing, a solid bedrock relationship that we can count on to take care of us forever.  That takes away our fear that we might lose this feeling of love, our most precious emotional resource. But does any other of your feelings remain constant?  Do you spend every minute of every day in a state of cheerfulness, curiosity, doubt, or desire? Of course not.  Your emotions come and go depending on the situation.  The feeling of love is not any different. Keeping love alive requires an optimistic outlook that allows you to believe that you can always to return to the beach to rebuild your sand castle.  You have faith in your ability to recreate a happy relationship, regardless of whether your partner is initially willing to help. Knowing that emotions are contagious allows you to be  confident that your positive feelings will ultimately prevail with a partner who is temporarily caught up in negative feelings.  Armed with the awareness that relationships almost always succeed when you keep the ratio of positive verses negative interactions at or above five positives to every one negative, you remain steadfast in your commitment to putting in positives. Creating this flow of positive connections with your partner is described beautifully in the new book Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way by Susan K. Perry.  Using the principles of the new science of positive psychology, the focus of this book is about how to produce a constant stream of positives to offset the inevitable problems that arise in relationships. For example, Ms.  Perry writes, “A shared sense of humor is regularly given credit for much of the longevity of a relationship.  Laughter can be a way out of a potential cycle of negative feelings.”   Playfulness and humor combine to make up one of the 24 character strengths that you can use to bring yourself authentic happiness.  No where are these traits more effective than when they are deployed in a loving relationship. Happy couples have a playful banter between them.  Although they rarely display it in public, these couples will frequently use pet names for one another, speak to each other in baby talk, or act downright zany with one another. I love trying to get my wife to laugh.  She will play the game by resisting my shenanigans for as long as she can before smiling becomes an irresistible urge that wells up inside her.  For her part, my wife is good at dispensing one-liners: “Of course I have a good sense of humor; I married you didn’t I?” Or, “It’s not that I’m always right; it’s just that I’m never wrong!”  Her wry comments never fail to make me crazy - I mean laugh hysterically. Knowing your partner’s vulnerable spot means never teasing them about those topics.  When starting to inject more humor into your relationship begin with smaller, safer comments. Laughing together provides an invisible glue that bonds a couple together at the most intimate level.  Many happy couples have playful risque routines they share in their private moments.  These silly sexual overtures send strong messages about the powerful attraction they have for one another.  Having fun with each other becomes a wonderful way to keep their sex life sparkling over the years. Always remember this important lesson: the reason angels can fly is that they take themselves lightly.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.