Achieving Happiness Column for 7-4-04 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. 7/4 - A Day Of Dreams Today is independence day, and my wedding anniversary. While some see this as irony, it feels to me like the perfect day to have gotten married. It was on this day that a small group of colonists set forth their dream for creating a new country. These visionaries imagined forming a nation unlike any that had come before, one that was uniquely suited to meet the needs of the people living in the new world. For me, this is also the foundation of a successful marriage - an opportunity to forge a union that is based upon the dreams of the individuals involved. By developing such an alliance, my wife and I have been able to support one another in our pursuit of happiness. To be honest, it’s not always blissful. Our marriage runs much the way our country does. We often have differing approaches to handling issues, and at times these differences have produced conflicts. But over time we’ve learned to discuss issues without hurting each other. This is the prime factor that permits people to continue talking, and it’s what enables them to move slowly, but surely toward solutions. Some people in politics as well as many in marriages believe that shouting obscenity at their opponent will get them what they want. But they are selfishly choosing short-term relief from the dynamic tension that builds when people have differing points of view. When people become polarized in their communication, whether they are Democrats and Republicans or husbands and wives, they forfeit their ability to create answers that are better than either side would be able to generate on their own. By squandering the chance to work together to create an outcome that is superior to what just one side can contemplate, they are creating gridlock in their relationship. This insures that neither side will get their needs met. Gridlock is a sign that the two sides of a relationship are either not asserting their vision of the future or not respecting one another’s dreams. At the heart of gridlock is the perception that the desires of other side are in opposition to your own. This misconception leads you to become fearful that your needs will not be met if you allow the other person to get what they want.  When you operate under the mistaken belief that both of you cannot have your needs met, you become entrenched in your position and fiercely fight the other person’s ability to influence you. My wife and I came into our marriage operating under this false assumption. We’d each grown up in dysfunctional families in which we hadn’t gotten our needs met by our mothers. So we’d both become strong individuals who were able to take care of ourselves. We have different strengths that we’ve developed along the way. I’m best at seeing the big picture, while my wife is great at organizing the tasks that are essential for achieving a goal. Underlying these character traits is a deeper need that arose in each of us during our upbringing - the need to be seen as worthwhile people. The dream that we each have for what we want in a marriage is to have our desires and talents respected by someone who loves us. The crucible of a marriage brings these underlying issues into play and offers the opportunity to learn how to love and be loved in a new, healthy way. Either you continue to fight with the demons of your past and play out the old patterns of relating that you learned in childhood, or you break through to a whole new level of loving. Understanding your partner’s dreams of how a loving relationship works can add a whole new dimension to your life that you didn’t even know existed. Letting go of your past by embracing your differences enables you to build a relationship that meets both of your needs. Over time I’ve come to realize that my wife and I are at our best when we can come to a meeting of the minds. Two heads are truly better than one, and we always do better when we arrive at a mutually satisfying solution for managing the challenges that we have to face in life. My experience is that making my marriage a win-win experience has brought success and satisfaction beyond what I imagined. So I thank my wife for her contributions to our marriage, and helping to create a life that makes me exceedingly happy.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.