Achieving Happiness Column for 7-25-04 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. Converting a crisis into happiness Achieving Happiness Column for 7-25-04 by Tom Muha   Converting a crisis into happiness   “I need to talk to you right way,” Monica blurted out in her panicked phone call to me. “My husband and I just had a huge argument and he’s saying that he’s not going to stay in a marriage like ours.” “That’s wonderful news,” I replied. “It sounds like the two of you are ready to make some changes.” “But I don’t want a divorce,” she said, her voice cracking with emotion. “Having a confrontation doesn’t necessarily mean that things will get worse,” I explained. “Whether your relationship deteriorates or improves will depend on how you react to the problems that created this crisis.” Monica and her husband Charlie are on the verge of learning an invaluable lesson: successfully coping with problems involves seeing growth opportunities in the challenges and painful frustrations that accompany the inevitable catastrophes of life. Charlie is actually doing the marriage a favor by putting his dissatisfactions on the table. Granted that the way he did it was somewhat counterproductive because it induced a fear reaction in Monica, which made it hard for her to respond positively to his needs. Had Charlie offered a bit of hope that they could find a resolution to the problems that were frustrating him, he would have significantly lessened the negative impact of his comments. To his credit, however, he addressed the issue directly rather than sneaking off to have an affair, get drunk, do drugs or buy an expensive toy. Even though the conversation got heated, they were engaged in some form of communication about his concerns. Monica has four levels of choices regarding how she responds to Charlie’s critical evaluation of their marriage. Developing an awareness that she even has choices about how to handle her side of the equation will help her to feel that she has some power to influence the situation. Her first option - becoming overwhelmed by fear - will present itself automatically. She can become defensive and give in to her fight or flight impulses. Or she could shut down, withdraw, and go into survival mode as she becomes paralyzed by her fears. Another level at which Monica could choose to respond would be use some stress management skills to help her recover from the threat to her marriage. Exercising, for instance, would help her to combat the adrenalin rush. Meditating or praying would help her to relax so she could think more clearly about the problem. The third level of response for Monica would be to soothe the situation and use resilience skills to get the relationship back to normal. For example, she could seek support from friends and family, recall how she handled previous problems, and develop an optimistic attitude that all will turn out well. The problem with returning to the “normal” ways in which Monica and Charlie’s relationship functioned is that it places them back into the same patterns that led them to their current difficulties. Monica can opt to move beyond surviving this crisis and go on to thriving, the fourth level for responding to life’s challenges. She can set fear aside by deciding that proactive thoughts will control her mind, while stubbornly refusing to reactively surrender her consciousness to the negative power of the problem she’s facing. Instead of being victimized by what is happening to her, Monica can become stronger as a result of her adversity. She can learn some valuable lessons about keeping love alive by delving deeply into the problem, creating new possibilities for explaining and enjoying her marriage. In order to move her marriage through the crisis and into a much more satisfying stage, she needs to stay engaged with her pain for a period of time by deploying her stress management and resilience skills. Then rather than settling for recovery, she can use a discovery process to uncover the underlying issues that will open the door to thriving. Perhaps Monica will find that the spending habit she’s developed reminds Charlie of when his mother was unhappy and used shopping as a substitute for happiness in her marriage to his father. Seeing his own wife becoming a shopaholic could be triggering feelings of failure in Charlie because he interprets it as sign he’s not a good  husband.  Monica can thrive through this crisis by translating her fresh understanding of previously unrecognized issues into new behaviors. In addition to providing more motivation for Monica to manage their money wisely, their relationship can also be improved by increasing the amount of appreciation the two of them show to each other.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.