Achieving Happiness Column for 7-18-04 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. Are you living or languishing? Linda is an unhappy young woman. But listen to how she describes her life: “I have a decent husband, two great kids, a successful career, a nice house and lots of good friends.” She says that in spite of these blessings she is tense and irritable a lot of the time, and too often loses her temper with her husband and small children. She also worries a lot about money, and feels that her husband is too cavalier in his approach to insuring that the family will have enough income. Linda thinks he’s having way too much fun when he goes off on trips for his job. What’s incredible about Linda’s story is that it is typical of how the majority of Americans view their life. A Gallup Poll conducted in 2002 found that two out of three people in America, the greatest country in which to live on the face of the earth, feel “not very happy” or worse about their life. The day before I heard Linda describe her situation I was talking to a dear friend of mine who was telling me how much she cherishes every moment of her life. She relayed to me how she relishes her relationships and takes time to watch the butterflies flitting from flower to flower. Of course, my friend has an advantage that most of us do not. She’s been told that she’s dying of cancer. There’s nothing like facing death to put the value of life into a sharp focus. At least Linda has the courage to confront her unhappiness and has committed to learning how to be happy before being beset by a trauma. Most folks are just languishing in their lives. Languishing is defined as living in a state of fatigued apathy, an emotional and spiritual exhaustion resulting from trying to keep up with the accelerating pace of our culture. Languishers are not depressed and finding it difficult to function. Rather, they are rushing through life with an underlying sense of despair, while presenting to the world a thin veneer of being able to take care of business in this out-of-control, energy-draining environment in which we exist. They are languishing in the land of plenty, too busy to be aware of it or too tired to care. The hurrying hum of life constantly pushes their inner pulse to do more, be more, have more. Those who languish are living in a spiritual stupor, only vaguely aware of the hollow, empty areas of their lives that are causing them to miss the beauty of being alive. Recent research by positive psychologists has found that despite the massive amount of self-help information that has been generated by traditional psychologists over the past few decades, 75% of Americans are “failing to flourish.” The problem is that the old psychology studied what was wrong with people and tried to help them by giving them insight into the origins of their dysfunction. But trying to patch people up by having them focus on what’s gone wrong does not help them to understand what does work to achieve happiness. Positive psychology studies people like my friend who are thriving in their lives in spite of their difficulties. This new science has discovered that these thrivers have three important lessons to teach us. The first to learn to savor life like you never have before by routinely basking in, marveling over, and appreciating everything that you have to be thankful for during your time here on earth. The second lesson for thriving in life is to develop a deep realization that it is not what you have nor what you do that matters most. Ultimately it is who you are with and how you are with them that is most important. The final lesson for flourishing in your life is to use your disappointments about your past and your frustrations about what you see in your future as a wake-up call to become proactive in the present, which is the only place where happiness can be cultivated. The evidence is clear that languishing along in life means that you are not paying attention to the majesty that can be found in the present moment. Most people wish their life was more satisfying, but they’re too busy to do anything about it.  Linda is realizing that she’s been barely conscious of the possibilities for creating a calmer, more meaningful, sensationally satisfying, and exuberantly loving life. You can awaken as well.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.