Positive Psychology Column for 6-29-03 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. Spoiled Kids Become Unhappy Adults Do your kids run your family?  If you tell them no, do they start whining and escalate to a full-fledged tantrum until you give them what they want?  Are you afraid that your kids are growing up to be spoiled brats? There are probably times when you try to stand up to your children, but it only makes things worse.  The kids get even more upset and you just start a screaming match that the kids end up winning anyhow.  Or maybe you’ve become too tired to fight with them anymore.  You’ve found that it’s easier to just give them what they want. In your heart you know that giving in to your children’s crying and screaming isn’t  right.  But you can’t stand it when they pitch a fit, especially out in public.  You feel guilty about what’s going on with your kids, but feel powerless to change it. What you want is for your children to have more temperate character traits.  Your wish is that they would think about their actions and see the long-term consequences of their choices.  But your kids seem to be so self-centered that they don’t care about how their behavior effects others. I have good news and bad news for you.  The good news is that this problem can be fixed.  That bad news is that the problem isn’t your children, it’s you. If you are unhappy with how your life is working, walk over to a mirror and talk to the first person you see.  You are responsible for the results you create in your life. As the parent you are responsible for creating the rules in your family.  If you get the rules right and establish clear consequences for the choices that your children make, they will eventually learn to make good choices. Eventually. In the meantime you need to demonstrate those same character strengths that you want your children to exhibit.  The traits involved in temperance focus people on knowing what they want and on finding methods for satisfying their needs in ways that do not harm themselves or others. You know what you want: children who are responsible and respectful.  The method for achieving this happy outcome is to set up a system of rewards and consequences for your children that addresses their tantrums and then stick to your program no matter what they do. If your child likes watching TV and you want them to get dressed to go somewhere, tell them there will be no television until they are ready to go.  Then walk away from the tantrum that is sure to follow.  Take the remote control and the power cord to the TV and lock them up. Your child will go crazy for a while as they do what you have trained them to do - escalating their misbehavior to try to force you to give in.  Don’t fight with them and do not give in.  Plan on doing things that will help you ignore their screaming like talking to a friend, taking a bath, listening to your walkman, etc. When the screaming subsides a bit, remind them that they are making the choice to not watch TV.  Once they decide to get dressed, tell them, they’ll get what they want.  And not until then. Ignore their temper tantrum.  Having one of your own only sets an example of bad behavior.  Not to mention the fact that kids always win those battles because they are absolutely ruthless. The answer to this problem is easy, but implementing the solution is hard.  It will take at least a month of stonewalling your child when they tantrum.  But it will be worth it.  You won’t end up like some mothers I know who have 30 and 40 year old kids who spend all of their time and money drinking and drugging.  Then they go home and scream at their mothers to feed them and give them more money.  And those extremely unhappy mothers continue to do just what their kids demand. As the parent you create the conditions that teach your children how to get what they want.  Until you make your family work the way the rest of the world operates, your children will not think they have to give something in order to get something. We all have to do things we don’t want to do in order to get things that we do want.  If you don’t teach this lesson to your children, they will never achieve success or happiness.  And neither will you.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.