Positive Psychology Column for 6-22-03 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. Getting from Sad to Glad How often do you feel misunderstood, unfairly attacked, or wronged by others?  Do you have times when you’re talking to someone that emotions build up within you to a point that you can’t stand it -  you just want the conversation to end?  Perhaps you stop speaking and shut down, or maybe you strike back in an angry outburst. What you are experiencing is emotional flooding, and you most likely long for some relief from the unpleasant feelings.  It is a physically uncomfortable state in which your breathing becomes labored, your heart starts to beat harder and faster, and your muscles become tense and stay that way. These physical symptoms are your body’s response to stress.  The surge of hormones that produce the pounding heart and rapid respiration also creates anxiety or anger-provoking thoughts and emotions, which then fuels the physical reaction. A classic example of this negative feedback loop in action occurs during a marital conflict.  You feel pressured to respond to a criticism, your pulse rises, which heightens your fight/flight/freeze emotions, making you think even more about how badly your spouse is treating you, causing your heart to race even faster. Your physiological arousal and your negative inner thoughts goad each other on until you reach a level at which it becomes virtually impossible to calm yourself or offer soothing suggestions to your partner.  Over time, this chronic flooding causes you to create a permanent negative internal script in which distorted and distressing thoughts become fixed, and you react to the slightest provocation as if you’d already been attacked.  At this point you are thinking the worst about your spouse most of the time, and your marriage is trapped in the doom loop. This same process can apply in varying degrees to how you deal with anyone - your employee, your boss, your child, and even yourself.  But it is a pattern of responding that can be modified by developing the character strength of self-control.  Character traits are like your mind’s muscles - they are strengthened by regular exercise.  So if you want to build up your self-control, start the workout by walking away from the next confrontation you encounter. There are two aspects of self-control that will help you to handle problems more effectively: self-awareness and self-management.  Self-awareness involves a deep understanding of your own emotions, your strengths and weaknesses, as well as your values and dreams.  People who are self-aware know what they want in order to achieve happiness in their life, and are motivated to make choices that lead to that outcome.  For example, if a happy marriage is one of your highest values, you can continually remind yourself of that goal. Those pleasant thoughts will act like a cheering section, urging you on by focusing your attention on how good it will feel when you’ve accomplished your goal.  The circuitry used in your brain to do produce passion for working toward a positive outcome performs another motivational favor by calming the feelings of frustration that threaten to derail your efforts. Self-management is the ongoing inner conversation that frees you from being taken hostage by your feelings. When you become aware of how the setbacks that are inevitable in working toward any goal are generating negative emotions, you use that insight to take corrective action.   By recognizing that your emotions are threatening to overwhelm you, you can make the deliberate decision to calm yourself.  To do that you will need to take a time out for at least 20 minutes to allow your body to dissipate the chemicals that are surging through your bloodstream. During this break in the action you will want to do two things.  One, soothe yourself by engaging in some relaxing activity: deep breathing, taking a walk, listening to music, calling a friend, etc.  Two, make a conscious effort to redirect your thought process back to the optimistic outcome that you are committed to accomplishing. Relaxing your body and refocusing your mind allows you to stay in control of your feelings and impulses.  Having mastered your emotions, you will act with integrity - behaving in ways that are in keeping with your values. So if you value having a happy marriage, you will return to the conversation after a while with upbeat energy and an optimistic attitude that infuses enthusiasm for finding a mutually satisfying solution into the situation. Because emotions are contagious, your positive persona will prevail as the negative person discovers that it is almost impossible to remain confrontational when you keep responding with positivity.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.