Achieving Happiness Column for 6-20-04 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. Getting a grip on your bad behavior   “I tell myself I should eat healthy,” Elaine told me. “But when it comes right down to it, I eat what ever I want to at the time. I don’t understand what happens to my willpower.” Most people engage a particular behavior that they are know it will ultimately lead to an unhappy outcome. Smoking and spending are other classic examples, as are spending too much time working, playing on the computer or watching TV. Why would anyone want to continue doing something that they know full well will make them unhappy in the long run? Often they’re still rebelling against their parents. I asked Elaine who had told her she should eat healthy foods. “My mom,” she explained, “was very controlling about what I ate as a child. She even sniffed my breath when I came home from school to see if I’d eaten any candy while I was walking home.” “But I got good at sneaking candy, so I rarely got caught,” she revealed with a sense of pride. Elaine had developed a facade of compliance, but underneath she fiercely resisted her mothers control. As a child, that had been a necessary strategy for her to use in order to have any sense of power to get what she wanted. Today one part of Elaine has adopted her mother’s position and she is “shoulding” on herself. However, the stronger part is the rebellious child within her who tells her that she can do whatever she wants as long as she can get away with it. Before she could change her eating behavior, Elaine needed to become aware of her internal dialogue. As she became conscious of how she uses the word “should” in her self-talk, she was amazed at the frequency with which she was bossing herself around. “I should stop doing that,” she told me. Our self-talk is a such powerful force that we need to be very careful what words we choose to say to ourselves. The best rule to follow is to talk to yourself the way you want others to talk to you. Most people wouldn’t let someone get away with telling them that they are (and always will be) nothing but a fat failure who has no self-discipline. But that’s what Elaine tells herself when she looks in the mirror. By the way, Elaine (not her real name) is the CFO of a multimillion dollar company. Far from being a failure, she is able to control production costs so her company can turn a nice profit. People think of their negative self-talk as a way to challenge themselves to do better, but all they’re doing is eroding their self-confidence about their ability to manage some part of their life - just the way their parents did. However, you can’t blame your parents if you’re the one who’s continuing to criticize yourself. Listen to the language you use and you’ll learn a lot about yourself. Pay attention to destructive phrases like I should..., I never..., don’t ever..., why can’t..., the problem is..., I’m not good at..., you make me..., I don’t care about..., I’m afraid that..., I don’t understand why..., what’s wrong with..., if you would just.... These are the words of people who feel powerless over a part of their life. They are the words that foster a negative, rebellious reaction. The secret to being in control of your life is to manage your self-talk. When you choose words that are positive and proactive, you activate the adult part of you that has evolved to help you become successful in certain areas of your life. The language of happiness contains words such as I want..., I know I can..., it’s my responsibility to...,  I love it when..., it would good to..., I’m best at..., I appreciate ..., my best quality is..., I have confidence that..., one possibility is..., I like it when..., I’ll succeed when..., the best part is.... When Eileen became aware of the longstanding debate she’d been having in her head, she was able to detach from it. She couldn’t really stop the old argument from occurring, but she could merely observe it instead of participating in it. As soon as she became conscious of the old inner conflict around food, she could say to herself that she wasn’t buying into the debate. Instead, she brought her well developed management skills into play to assess the cost-benefit of the food choices she was facing.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.