Achieving Happiness Column for 6-13-04 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. Building Intimacy It was Mary’s anniversary, but she didn’t really feel like being intimate with her husband. She wanted to be happier in her marriage. But when the time came to be more connected to her husband, she had a hard time letting her guard down. Mary had been hurt by a lot of people throughout her life, and she was sure that it would happen again, she told me. I confirmed her worst fear, much to her surprise, when I agreed wholeheartedly with her. “How well does keeping your guard up protect you from being hurt?” I asked. She surprised herself when she realized that it hadn’t done anything to avoid experiencing heartache. When the inner guard we all have inside of us is in control of how we’re relating, it’s trying to keep us from having bad feelings. But it actually keeps us from having any feelings at all because it blocks any emotional connection, good or bad. People aren’t perfect, even the ones who are supposed to love you. So it’s inevitable that they’ll hurt you sometimes. Keeping your defenses up only precludes the possibility of anything positive happening in your relationships because the negative is going to find you anyhow. In order to be happy in your relationships you have to be open to whatever transpires, which means allowing yourself to be vulnerable. But it’s worth it because having an intimate connection with another human being is one of the best feelings on earth. Yes, you’ll be hurt occasionally. That’s why it’s essential that you learn how to handle your hurt feelings effectively. Simply disengage when people start to hook you into negative interactions. Rather than ruminating on your bad feelings, tell yourself that they’re temporary. Soothe yourself by finding activities that will make you feel better - talking a walk, soaking up some sun, or meditating. Once you’re feeling better, then do something to put some positive back into the relationship. One of the most effective methods for creating positives is to ask for what you want to turn the situation around. For example, when Mary and her husband were trying to have a nice weekend together to celebrate their anniversary, he started complaining about the kids. “I’m not going to discuss this now,” she told him. He huffed and puffed for a few minutes, but she wouldn’t relent. After a while she resumed a normal conversation with him by asking about where they might go to dinner that night. The tension dissipated quickly once they began to discuss having a romantic dinner together. Happy couples produce five times as many positive interactions as they do negative. They figure out how to contain the bad times, limiting them to minor skirmishes most of the time. Then they let their guard down and try different approaches in order to get back to feeling close again. They accomplish this transformation by telling themselves that trusting their partner doesn’t come from trying to avoid being hurt again, but from knowing that they’re able to repair the damage they occasionally do to the relationship. With a 5:1 ratio, they have developed trust that the abundance of positive will far outweigh the negative, making it well worth the risk they face when they suggest doing something positive following a negative encounter. After things have calmed down, they re-engage by showing some empathy and understanding of their partner’s position in order to warm things up again. If you are just starting on the road to recovering the closeness that you want in your marriage, begin by suggesting small activities that will warm things up between you. Take a walk together, go on a romantic picnic, give a loving card, have a no TV/computer night together. As you build the positive connection, increase the intimacy of your activities. Give one another a massage, a lover’s kiss, a love letter, or a romantic evening. When you’re ready for an intensely passionate connection, tell your spouse ten reasons why you’ll always love them, share your ideas of what you would consider to be a dream date, or offer to fulfill their ultimate sexual fantasy. As Mary has recognized how the lingering contamination from her earliest relationships in life has continued to diminish her ability to love and be loved, she is beginning to guard against the real threat to her happiness - holding on to an outdated defense strategy that is keeping her from enjoying the incredible intimacy that is just on the other side of her wall.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.