Positive Psychology Column for 5-2-04 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. Are you too nice? There are lots of reasons that loving relationships don’t work out. But when you boil it down to the most basic level relationships falter because people are afraid. While it’s easy recognize fear when an individual appears very shy around others, it may surprise you to know that people who are extremely nice are equally afraid in their relationships. If you can’t overcome the fear that you’re not good enough to be loved for all of whom you are, then you’ll try to protect yourself in one way or another. The most socially accepted way to hide your vulnerabilities is to act super nice in an effort to cover up your faults. If you’re afraid that there’s something wrong with you, then you’re likely be very sensitive to criticism. You’ll vigorously defend yourself for fear of being rejected by the person that you love. You’ll also need constant reassurance that you are a good person, so you’ll spend a lot of time and energy seeking approval. You’ll work hard to live up to the expectations of others’, and be devastated if they think you have fallen short. In the process of trying to please others’, however, you neglect your own needs. You assume that if you meet the other person’s needs they will meet yours. When they don’t, you become resentful. You fear revealing your feelings directly because that doesn’t fit with your image of being a “nice” person. You live by the unspoken rule that if you are nice to the one you love then it’s only fair that they should know what you want and meet your needs. Now ask yourself how well this way of operating is working for you in your relationships. Most likely you feel disappointed, frustrated and angry that your partner is not loving you the way you want to be loved. Are you ready for a breakthrough that will change all of that? Then start telling yourself that it is not your partner’s fault that you are unhappy. It is your responsibility for getting your needs met. If what you have been doing isn’t working, then you are the one who needs to change. What, you say, stop being nice? No, just don’t expect that being nice will automatically get you what you want. You have to learn to be much more direct in asking for what you want. Nobody can read your mind. So unless you tell them exactly what you want, when you want it, they’ll never know. Just remember the quote from that famous psychologist W.C. Fields, “If you don’t ask, you don’t get.” Sounds simple, but here’s the catch. The part of you that wonders “Am I good enough?” has been answering that question “no,” leaving you afraid to state your needs. You start thinking about all the stuff you’ve done wrong which only fuels your insecurity. Somewhere along the line someone taught you that you had to meet their needs first before you could get what you want. But that is a dependent relationship in which the other person (such as a parent) has much more power than you do. Good news - now you’re an adult. You are no longer powerless. It’s time to declare your independence! Healthy adult relationships are based on a balance of power. Therefore, each side must state their needs and start negotiating a win-win agreement in which they both get most of what they want. So change your answer when that part of you gets afraid to participate in this process. Answer “Yes!” when the fearful part asks the core question “Am I good enough?”  Tell yourself that you are an adult who is worthy of being loved. Remind yourself that the only way adults get their needs met is to take responsibility for creating positive outcomes. But what about when you make mistakes? That just proves you are like everyone else. Nobody can live their life without making mistakes. You are loveable anyhow. Making mistakes isn’t a big deal unless you’re making the same ones over and over. If you learn from your errors, you’ll do better the next time.  Making relationships work is about getting it right 80% of the time. Relationship research has shown that couples are very happy when they maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. So start facing your fear of whether you’re good enough so you can stop being so damn nice.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.