Positive Psychology Column for 5-18-03 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. SUSTAINING LOVE REQUIRES COURAGE Keeping love alive in a marriage is one of the most important factors in achieving happiness.  Conversely, being in an unhappy marriage increases your chance of becoming ill by 35% and shortens your life by four years. Sadly, most marriages are far from happy.  The divorce rate for first marriages is 67% over a forty-year period, and the failure rate of second marriages is up to 10% higher. Here’s the story I usually hear from a person in an unhappy relationship: “My husband (or it could just as easily be a wife) is making me miserable with his constant criticism.  It doesn’t seem like I can do anything right anymore.” I’ll inquire, “Do his complaints have any validity?” She’ll typically answer, “Sometimes, but it’s the way he talks to me that leads to an argument. I love him, and want this to work - but I just can’t take it any more.” I’ll respond, “So he has a lot of power to make you feel bad?” “Yes,” she’ll tell me emphatically, “He makes me feel awful.  All my friends wonder how I put up with it.” She’s expecting me to side with her too. But this is the moment of truth. I’ll say as compassionately as possible, “It isn’t your husband who’s making you feel bad.” She’ll react hotly, “Just how do you expect me to feel when he says terrible things to me?” I’ll tell her, “You can choose to feel however you think will best help you to handle the situation.” Now she’ll play the doctor and diagnose me, “You are crazy.  Who wouldn’t be hurt and angry when their husband says horrible things to them?” “Well actually,” I tell her, “millions of wives have critical husbands and they respond much differently.  And you could learn to rise above it as well, taking your marriage to a level you don’t even know exists.” The door to change will open if I can just help her to find the courage to start thinking differently. There will be a pause while she looks at me skeptically, but she’ll be curious enough to ask, “How?”  I’ll explain that she is in control of her own thoughts, and that her thinking controls her feelings.  I’ll describe how she can gain control over the automatic anger reaction, literally reprogramming her brain to be able to find constructive responses. And I’ll support her in finding her strengths that will give her the courage to make different choices as she tries out new approaches in an attempt create a positive outcome, even though she’s uncertain she’ll attain it. That is, after all, the very definition of courage.  I’ll help her to become aware that she can learn to use the three character strengths that constitute courage.  The first is being brave -  the ability to uncouple your emotional and behavioral reactions when facing a problem by resisting the fight,  flight, or freeze impulses.  Psychological courage comes when you take personal responsibility for finding a way to meet a challenge with dignity and even cheerfulness. The second strength is perseverance - not giving up after only a few attempts to fix the problem.  This requires flexibility - being willing to modify your approach over time to discover what will work best.  Most important, it means that you recognize that the only person’s behavior that you can control is your own. The final character strength that gives you courage is integrity.  This goes beyond being truthful with others.  It means that you can be honest with yourself. You live your values - your intentions and commitments - by matching your words to your deeds. “But isn’t standing up for myself showing courage?” the wife might ask. “Refusing to repeat the same old pattern that’s making you miserable is the ultimate form of standing up for yourself,” I’ll tell her. I’ll mention how I’m always amazed by how many people think that their feelings are a force of nature, wild and uncontrollable.  But the facts are that people can take responsibility for their feelings the same way that they take responsibility for their behaviors. “What will happen if I don’t let my husband push my buttons?” she wonders. “What happens when you perform a button-ectomy on yourself is that the other person eventually stops pushing the button because there’s no purpose in doing so,” I explain. But that’s not the biggest prize, I’ll tell her, “The real reward is the feeling of personal power that you get when you know that you can protect yourself from the emotional assaults of others.”   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.