Positive Psychology Column for 4-13-03 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. When Your Life Is a Horror Story “It’s not easy to just change your life,” my client was telling me with resignation in her voice. “I believe you when you tell me that I’m working too much,” she said, “and that I’d be happier if I put some of my time and energy into other areas of my life. But that’s not very realistic for me given the demands of my job and all the bills I need to pay.” “Is it easy living the life you’ve got now?” I asked. Tears began to well up in her eyes. “No, but I’m trapped in this situation,” she said defiantly. “I’m paying for my 14 year olds private school without any help from his father. But do you think my son appreciates it? Hardly! He could be doing so much better, but he’s squandering this chance to get a good education,” she said bitterly.  “So if his grades were better, your long hours and hard work would be worth it?” I inquire. That brought a flood of tears. “No,” she sobbed, “He barely even speaks to me. He’s either on the computer or playing his music so loud it gives me a headache. He’s shut me out of his life.” She was telling me her horror story, the one that constantly runs through her mind. That’s what was robbing her of the chance to change. “You are explaining your situation in a way that makes it permanent and pervasive,” I told her. “You are convincing yourself that these problems are going to continue, and that they will contaminate both your work and your personal life.” “But this is the reality of my life,” she countered. “I’m not making this up.” “I have bad news for you. There is no such thing as reality,” I explained as she sat there in stunned silence, “there is only your perception of events.” “Because of the way you are thinking about your life,” I continued, “you are feeling helpless and have given up on the possibility of changing anything. But your thoughts are under your control. You can learn a different way to think about what is going on in your life that will give you back your power to improve things.” She was on the brink of the change process. Would she open herself up to a new awareness of how to handle the difficulties in her life? We sat there quietly for a while as she contemplated her dilemma. If she defended her position she was stuck with it.  If she could she summon up her internal strengths that would enable her to acquire knowledge and be courageous, she’d tap into what she needed in order to learn new coping skills. “I need to do something different,” she said. “I’m sure tired of feeling powerless. Help me understand how changing my thinking will improve my situation.” “Learning optimistic thinking skills,” I explained, “will allow you to see your problems as temporary and as specific. That means you can envision a positive outcome that can be achieved best by having a well-balanced lifestyle. Let’s begin with your telling me about how you want your life be.” “I do not want my son to be getting such mediocre grades and I don’t want to be having to hassle him all of the time,” she started to say. “Time out,” I interrupted, “You are still programming your thoughts in a way that will continue to produce negative emotions.  For example, do not think of having an automobile accident.” “Your brain does not hear the word not.” I explained. “So the way you are thinking is only continuing to generate negative images of your son, which is promoting your frustration.” “How will life be different when you have achieved happiness?” I asked. “My son will be getting good grades, and I’ll be proud of him,” she replied. “Are there other good things that will be happening?” I wondered aloud. “I’ll be giving myself more time to be with my friends,” she responded with a noticeable lift in her voice.  “I have one girlfriend who’s been inviting me to join the singles group at her church.  I’ve been wanting to do that for a while now.” “Do you notice anything different about your energy level as you use these optimistic thinking skills?” I inquired. “Oh yes, I feel much better already.  It’s like I’m ready to get moving to make it happen,” she answered. She had taken that all important first step.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.