Positive Psychology Column for 3-7-04 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. Handling Criticism I hate to be criticized, don’t you? But the problem is that we can’t be perfect, and so if we don’t learn how to receive corrective feedback we keep making the same mistakes. But it stings to hear about our errors and we don’t always handle it as well as we could. In fact, people often avoid giving us negative information (until they’re really bent out of shape) because they, too, want to avoid having to deal with negative reactions. Our fear of receiving or giving negative feedback usually leads to our making maladaptive choices when dealing with problems. Many people resort to using dysfunctional behaviors such as denial, jealousy, brooding, self-sabotage or procrastination. Denial is the most basic way to defend ourselves. When we’re unwilling to acknowledge the implications of the impact of our actions on ourselves and others, we’re putting blinders on ourselves.  If another person tells you that your behavior has hurt them, then it’s true - for them, at least. To deny their perception of reality is to condemn the relationship to failure. Jealousy is actually about comparing ourselves to others in an unhealthy manner, resulting in reactions such as being suspicious, possessive or envious. Jealous people often overidolize others who they see as more attractive, competent, talented, or intelligent, thereby leaving themselves feeling inadequate by comparison. Brooding occurs when we dwell on how awful someone has treated us. The longer we hold on to our morbid preoccupation with the past, the deeper our sense of foreboding becomes as we imagine how much worse it will become in our future. When we’re brooding we’re playing the blame game, which leads us to become increasingly isolated, passive and paralyzed. Self-sabotage plagues many people, even the likes of Bill Clinton and Trent Lott. When we do not deal with our feelings by making healthy choices, we are likely to resort to pathological behaviors that destroy all of the good that we’ve done. Procrastination is the choice we make when facing situations in which we feel dissatisfied, anxious or embarrassed.  There is usually an underlying element of anger or hostility involved when we choose to put things off. Not getting done what needs to be done doesn’t just hurt the person who’s expecting something at a certain time, it destroys the trust in the relationship. Lose enough trust and you lose the relationship. Of course there are other options. It’s certainly possible to learn how to take in feedback in a way that gives us the power to free ourselves from old patterns. Many people feel they can’t control their negative reactions when they’re given negative feedback, but that’s simply false. There are several techniques that are useful, beginning with an understanding that criticism is only a request for change. Recognizing your typical reactions allows you to begin the process of identifying your emotions so you can make other choices. You may be procrastinating, for instance, because you’re angry, sad, or frustrated, and persevering until you uncover the feeling allows you to address it directly. So if you’re not getting a project done at work, and you discover that you’re angry about the lack of cooperation from coworkers, you can then take action by addressing the issue directly with the other people who are involved. Here’s some other examples of how to reframe your negative feelings into positive, proactive thoughts: If you’re sabotaging your relationship because your husband isn’t talking to you and you’re acting out your anger by yelling, start telling yourself that you’re the only one you have control over when it comes to making the marriage work the way you want it to.                   If you’re brooding and withdrawing from a wife who yells sometimes, tell yourself that overcoming your anxiety and finding out what’s wrong will open up the possibilities for changing the situation. If you’re denying that you’ve done anything wrong in your relationship, tell yourself that, while you may not have intended to hurt anyone, you must find out how you’re contributing to the problem in order to be the good partner that you really want to be. If you become jealous, you’re dealing with your hurt and disappointment over a situation by focusing on what you think someone else has rather than telling yourself that you’re good enough to find ways of getting what you want. You can transform your negative feelings into positive emotions, beginning by changing how you think about the situation.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.