Positive Psychology Column for 3-23-03 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. When Work Takes Over “I’m happy with my life,” he said, “it’s my wife who’s the unhappy one.” But the irritation in his voice betrayed the truth. He reminded me of someone else I’d worked with years ago, but I couldn’t put my finger on who it was. “Are you winning at life?” I asked him to see how aware he was of what would truly make him happy.  “Oh yeah!” he replied, “I’ve done really well. I’m proud that I’ve been able to provide so much for my family, not that they seem to appreciate it. They’re the most important thing in my life, though. I just don’t understand why my wife says she’s miserable.” I noticed that he had workaholic eyes, puffy and shadowed.  That’s what comes from the chronic oversecretion of cortisol, the big brother of adrenaline. It’s what your body produces when it’s quitting time at work, but you’ve still got stuff that needs to be done before you head home on a long commute, arriving in time to help with the hassle of getting the kids to bed, eating the remnants of dinner, cleaning up some of the mess, and finally collapsing. Then it’s what won’t let you get a good night’s sleep. Cortisol gradually erodes your health, causing many of the signs of aging and compromising your immune system.  Unhappy people become sick much more often than happy people, and their recovery is slower. They are prone to having excess weight and chronic fatigue, leaving little energy for exercise. Being unhappy destroys your energy. But when you’re happy, effort is easy and the energy you spend earns good energy coming back to you. Happiness, however, cannot be achieved by living a one dimensional life. Even if that one dimension is bringing you great success in your career. “How are you doing outside of work?” I ask. “I’m not sure what you mean,” he replies. Very bad sign. “I’m wondering about the other important elements of your life: your relationships with friends, your health, your sense of purpose?” “I told you, I’m fine. No one has the time they’d like to be with friends these days. Or to get much exercise either. I guess my purpose is succeeding in my job - and my wife sure seems to enjoy spending the money that I make.” “And,” he continued, “I know lots of people who’d love to have what I have. I just don’t have time for all that other stuff.  In my business, I have to be there to be sure things get done the right way. How am I supposed to earn a great living and be home for dinner every night?” “That’s the biggest problem Americans complain about,” I said, “figuring out how to have a full and balanced life without going crazy.”  Here was a man following his most primal instinct - working to survive and provide for his family. But the way he was trying to survive was killing him. This is a good man who is making the most common mistake in America - putting most of his energy into one area of his life.  And he has many of the unhappiness symptoms to prove it: little appreciation for what he has, feeling he has no choices, lack of intimacy with other people, and no sense of how to take responsibility by using his personal power. Some people live for work, some for love, and some for the healthy feelings they get when they’re outside playing. But no one can be happy if they have a one dimensional life, existing only to make money, only to take care of others, or only to feel the high that comes from playtime. The key to achieving happiness is to ask your self every day what you need to do to include all three elements in your life.  Then integrate each element into your day in a way that fuels your passion for life. “I’m wondering if there is a part of you that wants to be happier?” I inquire. His eyes started to water, but he choked back his emotions. “I’m trying as hard as I can,” he shot back resentfully, fearing change and fearing not to change. All of the things he needed in order to have a great life were one inch away, but he was dying every day. It was as if I’d known him before. Who did he remind me of? Then it came to me. I knew who it was. It was me.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.