Positive Psychology Column for 3-21-04 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. Forgiveness is good for your heart - literally and figuratively. Life brings pain to all of us. It’s just part of being human. The question is how to handle the pain? Researchers have discovered that happy people universally react to pain in a way that is both powerful and moving. Happy people go through two phases in dealing with events that are potentially debilitating. First, they allow themselves to experience the negative feelings very deeply. They don’t deny the feelings or try to escape from their pain. Instead, they face their feelings, even when avoidance would be easier. Having immersed themselves in their painful emotions, happy people begin to move into the second phase. They transform their negative feelings by developing new insights and reactions by asking themselves questions such as: “What lessons can I learn from this?” “What new meaning can I create for my life as a result of this experience?” “What hopes for the future does this give me?” Habitually happy people navigate through difficult times by elevating the positive emotional value of an event. No matter how traumatic the situations, people who ultimately regain their balance begin by searching for the seeds of growth that will give them renewed purpose in their life. Unhappy people, in contrast, tell themselves that the negative event will permanently scar them because there is no way to undo the damage and, therefore, no way to expunge the pain. Researchers at a recent conference presented more than 20 studies on the effects of holding onto resentment and anger versus learning how to forgive. Harboring grudges, they found, wears out your immune system and eventually hurts your heart. Negative emotions cause the release of the stress hormone cortisol that over time can lead to the build-up of arterial plaque, which causes coronary heart disease and heart attacks. In addition to creating unhappiness in relationships, the researchers reported that an unforgiving attitude also raises blood pressure, disturbs sleep, and causes indigestion and headaches. The researchers say that forgiveness is often misunderstood as condoning bad behavior or letting someone who has hurt you off the hook.  “Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or denying that painful things occurred,” said Fred Luskin, director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project. “Forgiveness is the powerful assertion that bad things will not ruin your life today even though they may have spoiled your past.” Dr. Luskin has done research in Northern Ireland with Catholics and Protestants who have lost a family member to sectarian violence. His data reveals that the physical symptoms of stress can be reduced by 35% after just one a week of forgiveness training. “What we teach is to feel the emotions and to just pry them from the depths of your soul,” Professor Luskin said. “In no way are we saying what happened is OK. But the decision is whether to carry the bitterness...that negative feeling that can burn a hole in someone.” We do have the strength to master our emotions to even the most traumatic events, and, in the process, transform ourselves. We do not have to be held hostage by loss and sadness. We can suffer through bad experiences and grow wiser from having been in their shadow. Over time we can use the heat of raw pain to forge a deeper meaning from the trauma. Emerging from negative experiences may take days, weeks or years, but the new understandings that are shaped by a tragedy can infuse our lives with stronger values. Developing a passion to make the world a better place is a potent tool that propels us toward higher levels of emotional capability. Transforming sorrow into a meaningful life is a critical element in choosing to be happy. Ira Byock is a physician who cares for seriously ill patients and he has dealt with hundreds of patients who were facing death. Dr. Byock has written a book, The Four Things that Matter Most (2004), that describes what is on peoples minds at life’s end. “Again and again,” the doctor writes, “I’ve witnessed the value of saying four things. Comprising just 11 words, these short sentences carry the core of wisdom of what people who are dying have taught me about what matters most in life.” “Please forgive me.” “I forgive you.” “Thank you.” “I love you.” You don’t have to wait until you’re dying to discover the importance these words hold. Do the right thing, right now, and say the words that will enliven your relationships. It will do your heart good.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.