Achieving Happiness Column for 12-5-04 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. STOPPING OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS David has developed an obsession with a woman who is not his wife. He wants to stop thinking about their past relationship because dwelling on it creates an uncontrollable urge to make contact with her. He has a wonderful wife at home who he loves and trusts implicitly. Why, he wonders, does he have thoughts about being another woman who repeatedly lies to him, her husband, her boss, and even her own mother? Even though he knows that she’s an unhealthy addiction, there are times he can’t get her out of his head. David is usually a logical guy, so his seemingly uncontrollable attraction to this woman baffles him. David is tormented by thoughts and impulses that are illogical because he’s being driven by the emotional, rather than the rational, part of his brain.  As a traditional American male, David has learned to ignore his feelings. He’s largely unaware of his emotions until they boil up to the surface. That leaves him without the internal signaling system necessary to understand his needs before they reach a critical mass of impulses that mushroom in his mind. Because he sees his primary role in life as being the provider, David has become a hard-working man, both on the job and at home. Most of his time and energy are devoted to either working late or working around the house. David thought that he’d be happy if he “got the brass ring.” But he discovered that even when he achieved success he wasn’t happy for long. He was just exhausted. David rarely takes time to slow down and tune into how he’s feeling and what he’s needing. That’s like driving your car and never checking to see how much gasoline you have left. Sooner or later you’re going to run out of gas, stranding you somewhere that you don’t want to be. When he becomes physically and emotionally exhausted, this smart guy begins to have stupid thoughts. Because he’s depleted his reservoir of available energy, he’s vulnerable to having his deepest fears’ hijack his brain. When David runs out of gas, his fears begin to run rampant: fears about growing older, fears of missing out on the exciting parts of life, fears of not being able to get what he wants from his wife, and on and on. Because the fear-based part of his brain takes over at times, David can lose his ability to think clearly, which is when he’s most prone to acting out on his impulses without considering the consequences. David made the commitment to learn how to monitor his emotions, and he became better able to gauge his energy level. Starting an exercise routine slowed his mind down, which in turn helped him to be able to focus on his feelings.  David developed a daily ritual of asking himself a series of questions: What’s my energy level today? What are my emotions telling me about what I need to do to effectively manage my energy today? What do I feel I need to do to for myself in order to replenish my energy today? As David stopped spending most of his time and energy rushing through his life trying to be successful in the eyes of others, he started to see for himself what he needed. He discovered that his thoughts about the other woman actually had more to do with himself than her. David determined that what triggered his thinking about the other woman was becoming drained and dissatisfied with his life. He became acutely aware that he had too narrowly defined what he thought it would take to give himself a good life. When he asked himself what purpose would be served if he were to act out on his impulses, he found that the other woman represented someone who took an interest in what he needed in order to generate some satisfaction in his life. He realized that he’d lost touch with what he required in order to re-energize his passion for life. By focusing too much on the rewards associated with work, he’d allowed a disconnect to occur in his relationship with his wife. Over time this created a great deal of distance between them, making it difficult for her to help fulfill his needs. As David becomes increasingly aware of his inner world, he’ll find that there’s more to being intelligent than his mental capacity. His level of happiness will expand exponentially as he learns how to use his emotional, physical, and spiritual intelligence as well.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.