Positive Psychology Column for 12-21-03 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. Holidays Are you planning to have happy holidays? Most of you will answer yes. But the fact of the matter is that you probably don’t have an actual plan in mind for making yourself merry. Without a roadmap it’s easy to get lost along the way, especially when you come to an unexpected detour. A few of you will answer no, and because you believe that the holidays will be unhappy you’ll be contributing to creating that very outcome. We’ll deal with the bah-humbug crowd first. If you’re thinking that your holidays will be sad, lonely, or fraught with frustration and anger, then you are programming your brain to focus on finding situations which you can react to with those emotions. But that’s what has happened in the past, you’ll argue. However, your past is not a predictor of your future. Just because you made bad choices in managing the holidays in previous years doesn’t mean you have to do the same thing again this year. If you look back and learn from those stressful situations, then you can begin to figure out new strategies for coping with the problems that have occurred in the past. Your happiness is not contingent on whether or not you have difficult situations to face. Being happy is based on how you choose to deal with difficulties. Which brings us to the majority of you who are in denial about having any difficulties surface during the holidays. That’s right, the only thing worse than assuming that the holidays will be horrible is imagining that they’ll be perfect. Nothing is perfect. So plan on problems occurring. That allows you to remind yourself of the tools that you have to repair those troubled times. This type of thinking will make the tough times temporary and keep them from contaminating very much of your holiday. There are two sets of tools that you’ll want to have at hand through the holidays: those that transform negative emotions into positive ones and those that bring you feelings of deep and abiding joy. Turning bad times around begins by the soothing negative reactions that you are experiencing. Remember that you only have control over your own emotions, so focus on calming yourself. Usually removing yourself from the source of irritation is a good first step. Do something to relax your body like taking a walk. During that time work on breaking the cycle of dwelling on how horribly you’ve been treated by refocusing your attention those things that bring you good feelings. After 20 minutes or so, you can return your thoughts to the problem at hand by asking yourself what you need to do for yourself to bring about better feelings. Please note that the other person has nothing to do with transforming the situation. While you can undoubtedly identify several things that they could do differently, it’s a waste of your time and energy to try to change someone else. Actually, it’s even worse than that. It’s an exercise in frustration and futility. Turn to your tools for achieving happiness within yourself. Then you’ll have the power to generate joy from the inside out. When you’re radiating positive energy you are creating the conditions in which it’s most likely that the other people in your world will respond positively. Either way, you’ll end up happy. Life is filled with good and bad, and the holidays are no exception. Happy people don’t concern themselves with whether the glass is half empty or half full. They are too busy deciding which well they are going to tap into in order to refill their glass. They ask, “What do I need to do today to make myself happy?” They explore many possibilities: – creating a connection with someone they love, – savoring a significant moment, – relishing in spiritual renewal during the holiest of holidays, – appreciating the thoughtfulness that went into a gift, – helping others who are less fortunate, – admiring the beauty of nature. Life is often much harder than most of us expected it to be. We all struggle. None of us will survive. So why waste your precious time dwelling on your problems. Those who are happy find ways to smile rather than suffer.  And they smile knowing that the secret to being happy is to love the moment more than you despise the difficulties. Do what you love. Be loving to others. Open yourself up to being loved. The only thing that really lasts is love.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.