Positive Psychology Column for 7-13-03 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. What do you really need to be happy? It gets crazy some days, doesn’t it?  It starts by dragging your self and the kids out of bed, then rushing to get everybody off to where they need to be. And what is it with work these days? Your manager wants you to get twice as much done now that the staff has been cut to the bone, but sharing your ideas about how to be more efficient seems to fall on deaf ears. Then it’s time to fly home to the family. Talk about going from the frying pan into the fire. There’s dinner to be made, homework hassles to be dealt with, and squabbles to be resolved between the kids. Finally you collapse in front of the TV drained of energy. Don’t despair. You can learn to take care of yourself after a tough day. Begin  by recalling the events that transpired that day in as factual a way as possible. Then start nurturing yourself by asking how you feel about those events. Don’t be surprised if you experience an impulse to give yourself an escape route - food, cigarettes, booze or buying something. But don’t indulge the craving, just stay focused on finding out what you’re feeling. It’s possible that you’ll feel nothing at first. Or maybe you’ll have only a vague sense of what you’re feeling which you express through words such as bad, stressed, or upset. Perhaps you’ll feel overwhelmed with emotion and want to start dumping it all over whoever is in closest proximity to you.   Just sit with whatever comes up for a minute or two breathing deeply and slowly. Ask yourself which of the core negative emotions are most predominate: angry, sad, afraid, lonely or guilty. Once you’ve identified the core feeling, ask yourself what you need. Keep it simple. “I feel guilty. I need to apologize.”  “I feel lonely. I need intimacy.”  “I feel afraid. I need to envision a positive outcome.”  “I’m angry. I need to soothe myself.”  Allow yourself to imagine the possibilities of how you can meet your needs in a way that produces positive results. Keep running through your choices until you settle on the one that seems to give you a good outcome in the long run. By thinking through your options you will give yourself the ability to see the consequences of your choices. Usually you’ll need to cycle through several scenarios before you find one that is positive for everyone involved. You’ll know you’ve selected an alternative that achieves balance if your actions result in the reward of having one of the primary positive emotions: being happy, grateful, proud, secure or loved. Sometimes you know what you need to do to transform your feelings from negative into positive, but you’re hesitant to try something new. So you may need to ask the question “Do I need support?”  Frequently you’ll turn to a loved one for support. Being in a healthy loving relationship means being able to ask for support from your loved one without losing yourself, creating distance, or struggling for control.        Giving without getting back your fair share will eventually erode your energy for staying engaged in the relationship. Withdrawing from the relationship condemns you to isolation rather than intimacy.  Arguing over who’s going to get what they want means that neither of you will.  To get your needs met in a loving relationship requires several skills. The first is being able to hold on to your own feelings so you know what you need even when you’re questioned about it. When you’re involved in an interdependent relationship, it’s essential that you tell yourself that what you want is valid in spite of your partner’s opinion to the contrary. The next skill is to understand that adult love is conditional: people are unhappy when they don’t get what they want. That means that both you and your partner need to be getting most of what you want most of the time. So, secure in the knowledge that what you need is valid, and that the same is true for your partner,  you can focus on creating a win-win relationship in which you direct your energy toward meeting one another’s wishes. You’ll get the support you want in order to meet your needs if you don’t give in or give up.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.