Positive Psychology Column for 11-30-03 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. Stress Are you one of the people who find themselves getting out of balance when dealing with stress?  Do you try to soothe yourself by indulging in excessive eating, drinking, smoking, or spending? Do you distance yourself from others when the pressure intensifies? Do you struggle to keep control over your emotions?  Or become numb?  When one problem strikes, do you find that it spirals down into a quagmire of quarreling with those who are close to you, leaving you feeling alone and confused? Does stress weaken your spiritual connection? Does your flow of energy drop significantly, leaving you adrift on the sea of life feeling lost and abandoned? Numerous studies have found that around 80% of people in America react to stress in these unhealthy ways. But these researchers have also identified how the other 20% have learned to maintain their balance. People who lose their balance disconnect from themselves, other people and the higher power.  But when we lose touch with our healthy resources for nourishing ourselves, we are left seeking other sources of satisfaction. So instead of creating inner connections, people try to use external substances such as food, alcohol, tobacco or material possessions to stem the flood of stressful feelings. They also allow their distress to cause disconnections with people, becoming excessively aggressive, or people-pleasers, or rescuers, or passive-aggressive (creating conflicts while denying being upset). Having lost their sensitivity to themselves as well as a warm closeness with others, it’s no wonder that people whose reactions to stress are out of their conscious control do not have a sense of spiritual connection. They often end up feeling that their life has little purpose or meaning. Those who successfully manage their stress start by comforting themselves from within. They enjoy the pleasures of life, but are able to push their plate away, pass up another drink, perish the thought smoking, and prohibit themselves from making another purchase. Successful stress managers stay connected to themselves and to those around them so that they can be aware of what they are feeling and can find ways to manage their emotions and the feelings of others.   One effective strategy for learning how to maintain good balance is provided by Laurel Mellin, a professor at the University of California, San Francisco, in her new book The Pathway (Regan Books, 2003). Her research has shown that mastering two simple but powerful skills can make the difference between staying in balance when dealing with stress or allowing yourself to lapse into unhealthy excesses and alienation from others. These two essential stress management skills are self-nurturing and setting effective limits. There is excellent evidence that using these two skills brings a person back into balance. Nurturing and setting limits is a proven way to shift away from cravings and into satisfaction. People can learn to achieve balance by asking themselves three questions each about nurturing and about effective limits when they feel the urge to grab a cookie, drink, cigarette or credit card. To develop the nurturing skill ask: “How do I feel?” “What do I need?” and “Do I need support?” To improve your ability to set limits ask: “Are my expectations reasonable?” “Are my thoughts positive and powerful?” and “What will cause me pain verses earn me a reward?” Here’s how it works. Check in with yourself to become aware of your emotions. Are you feeling angry, sad, afraid, or guilty about the events of the day? Next use the three limit setting questions to shift you from the feeling part of your brain to the thinking part. Are your expectations reasonable regarding how others are treating you or how you’re reacting to stress? If you have negative emotions, then you also have unreasonable expectations. Perhaps you’re blaming yourself or someone else for what happened. Maybe you’re feeling like a victim, powerless to do anything about the problem. Identify your unreasonable thoughts and transform them by changing your thinking so that your expectations of life are positive. By picturing positive outcomes you will empower yourself to create a variety of choices to deal with the situation. Consider the consequences of your choices. What pain will you upon yourself if you allow your past reactions to prevail? How will you be rewarded if you make better choices? The final step is to finish the nurturing cycle by asking you what you need to do for yourself, and who could support and encourage you to become proactive on your own behalf.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.