Achieving Happiness Column for 11-28-04 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. HAPPY THANKSGIVING? How happy was your Thanksgiving? For many people the answer will be that it was not very happy. While almost everyone feasts on a big meal with all of the trimmings, many people are left emotionally starved. Luann is a prime example. She hosted Thanksgiving in her big house, using all of her fancy china and silver. The food was fantastic, but her holiday was hell. In between all of her normal job routines, she had to purchase and prepare all of the food. Her husband and teenage daughter had helped a little, but not enough to keep Luann from feeling stressed out over everything she had to do. About the time the pressure was reaching its peak, her parents arrived. Her mom was quick to question why she’d put the stuffing inside the bird. Hadn’t she heard the recent health reports on the danger of doing that? Luann’s dad had gone into to watch TV with her husband, and the two of them began their ritual of drinking beer and watching football. Unfortunately, they also decided to discuss the recent election results, which led to a heated disagreement. Mom once again questioned Luann: why did she allow her husband to be so disrespectful toward his father-in-law? While she was on a roll with the criticisms, mom also pointed out that her granddaughter had only given her a cursory hello before heading off to her computer to continue her online chat with her friends. Luann had a choice to make about how to respond to her mother. She chose to react with hurt and anger. She had a sense of righteous indignation, feeling that nothing she did was ever good enough for her mom. While her mother had certainly been critical, Luann’s reaction was to allow her negative thoughts to take over her mind and contaminate her holiday. Luann’s other choice would have been to ignore her mother’s criticism and redirect the conversation toward topics that would have produced positive feelings. For example, she could have commented on how much she appreciated her mom helping her in the kitchen to get all of the last minute preparations completed. She could have agreed with her mom about her daughter’s absence, and gone to get her off the computer and into the kitchen where she could be of some help. That would have given Luann a chance to provide some positive reinforcement for her daughter’s efforts. The same strategy would have worked with her husband as well. By finding something constructive for him to do, she could have derailed the disagreement that was developing. Having given her husband a way out of the difficult situation, he would have welcomed being a part of making a positive contribution. Then he too would have been the recipient of some well deserved gratitude from his wife for his helping to turn the situation around. But Luann had chosen to be reactive, rather than proactive to the situation. Some think that taking the positive road is easier said than done. However, consider the difficulties Luann ended up facing as a result of her angry reaction: continued sniping from her mom, stone cold silence from her dad, a hostile exchange with her husband about his behavior, and a daughter who withdrew even further from her unhappy family. Luann’s thinks that she shouldn’t have to be the only one responsible for making the family work well together. It’s true that the other people could have been better behaved. The catch is that if Luann waits for other people to make her life work the way she wants it to, she’ll have a very long wait. The fact is that other people will make mistakes sometimes. We either react negatively to their bad behavior, or figure out how we can make it better. Blaming others only leaves us powerless because we have no control over their behaving badly. We only can change our own behavior. Fortunately, that’s almost always enough to turn the situation around.  Each of us is either part of the problem or part of the solution. We can influence the interactions we have with others by being proactive and asking for what we want. Then we can generate lots of joy by putting positive energy, such as appreciation and gratitude, into our relationships. By creating conditions for a person to make a positive contribution, we’re in a position to provide a generous amount of positive reinforcement. That always makes everybody happy.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.