Positive Psychology Column for 11-23-03 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. SEX IS THE SPICE OF A LOVING LIFE Love is the best feeling in the world, and making love is certainly one of the best ways of experiencing a loving connection in a relationship. Everyone knows that great lovemaking can be a wonderful way to put yourself in a good mood. Did you ever wonder how some couples are able to sustain a satisfying sex life throughout their relationship while others start out having terrific sex but find it slowly deteriorating over time?  Sadly, some couples lose their capacity to produce those incredibly close connections with one another.  In fact, sex often becomes the most difficult topic for people to discuss. This area of a relationship brings up our biggest vulnerabilities, leaving us open to feelings of embarrassment, rejection and hurt. When negative emotions are in control of our brains we are limited to the negative reactions of fight, flight or freeze. No wonder so many people stumble and fumble their way through conversations about sex. Usually they end up just make vague references to the problem instead of saying specifically what they want. But you can’t get your needs met in a conversation that is indirect and inconclusive. Hoping that your partner will miraculously understand your desires without precise communication is simply setting you up for frustration. Then subsequent discussions about sex become filled with even more tension, causing couples to either avoid the topic altogether, rush through their talks or get into hurtful arguments. Of course when you can’t even have a satisfactory talk about sex it’s highly unlikely you’re going to find much satisfaction in the act itself. The sense that your partner is dissatisfied significantly deteriorates confidence levels on both sides, which is a major source of sexual dysfunctions.  The feeling that you are not meeting your loved ones needs curtails your ability to relax and make sex a fun way to deepen the intimacy level in your relationship. The core issue in maintaining a satisfying sexual relationship is how well a couple is able to appreciate and accept one another.  Couples who are the most loving, researchers have found, cultivate the belief that within the boundaries of their relationship it is acceptable to express any desires or fantasies. It takes a tremendous amount of trust to share one’s sexual wishes, so it’s vital that you be tender when you hear your partner’s preferences.  You can say no, but it’s essential that you don’t disparage their request. Make it a rule in your relationship that you will make it safe to talk about sex. Be gentle in how you asking for and responding to requests. Criticism kills conversations, and it will destroy your sex life.  Your discussions about sex needs to result in an increase in closeness, fun, satisfaction, and sense that you are accepted. Everyone is different, so their desires will differ. How they like to be touched, how often they want to be intimate, the best build up before they get to the bedroom, their favorite time of the day and many other aspects will need to be negotiated. The most important characteristic of couples with happy sex lives, say the sexologists, is that they view making love as a means of creating intimacy. They achieve that outcome by not taking their differences in desires personally. So think about sex as if it were playing a game of make believe. All fantasies are based on having fun by pretending for a little while. So don’t feel rejected if your spouse wants you to play the part of a stranger, a hooker, a sugar daddy, a pirate or any other role. Images are not inherently bad or disgusting. They are merely fantasies which, the researchers say, are not usually understood by the person who has particular desires that they find erotic. In fact, if your partner has asked for what they want, it is a sign they love you so deeply that they are willing to be vulnerable in order to keep the passion alive in your relationship. So do your very best to accommodate your spouse’s requests, and make things fair by expressing a few of your own. If you don’t please one another, your sex life will become flat and boring because you will stick only to the “safe” routines that you know are acceptable. Start igniting your passion by acting out one anothers fantasies and you will reach new levels of love in your relationship.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.