Achieving Happiness Column for 11-21-04 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. FINDING LOVE Beth is a lovely lady, but she can’t seem to find a guy who’s a suitable partner. She needs to learn how to evaluate the potential for a romance to evolve into an enduring relationship. For the last year she’s had a torrid affair with a man who’s now telling her that he doesn’t see a long term relationship working out between them. She’s confused about why things aren’t progressing since she feels so much chemistry with this man. The problem for Beth is that she’s using her level of physical attraction to a man to judge whether or not to pursue a relationship. While passion is important, one of the key ingredients that scientists say is necessary for long lasting love is missing. Research at Rutgers University has identified three separate states within our brain chemistry that comprise the experience of love: lust, romance and attachment. All three must be present for love to last. It’s lust and romantic love that produce those intoxicating feelings of exhilaration we experience when we’re just starting a relationship. The chemicals that are associated with these two states have been found to cause a reaction similar to what occurs when we have an addiction. Although our brain’s reward center is activated when we indulge in the addictive behavior, that doesn’t make our actions healthy long term choices. Lust produces an urge to pursue a particular person and romance creates a craving to spend time with them. When those needs are met, we’re filled with positive emotions such as elation and hope. However, we can act like addicts who are driven by despair and rage when those needs are frustrated. In order for love to last, a couple must also be able to create the chemistry that comes with attachment. Building this bond is accomplished by developing two types of relationships skills. The first set of relationship skills involves our ability to identify a vision of our future in which we see ourselves getting our most important needs satisfied. Couples need to be able to share their dreams so they can understand each other’s needs. Knowing another person’s vision for the future permits us to evaluate whether or not we’re generally headed in the same direction. For example, if a woman wants to put her family first, but the man considers his career to be most important, their relationship will be plagued by her dissatisfaction about his spending so much time at the office and his frustration over her lack of support for all of his hard work. Without couples being aligned in their vision, conflicts can easily erode the loving feelings. On the other hand, if they share the same values, then it’s much easier for them to support one another in pursuing the positive outcomes that they have in common. Once you’ve determined your vision matches well with the other person, there is a second set of relationship skills that are required to sustain a loving connection. Happy couples keep track what’s happening in each other’s world. Research at the University of Washington reveals that the daily ritual of “mapping” in successful long term relationships allows partners to communicate their progress toward the outcomes they are pursuing. On those days when the going gets tough, their partner provides empathy, encouragement, optimism, and faith in their abilities. On days when success is achieved, they receive lots of positive reinforcement. Who wouldn’t love a person who did this for you? It makes sense that using these relationship skills is what forms the foundation for fondness and admiration to continue building over the years. These skills also serve as the basis for rekindling the romance in a long term relationship. When people develop and maintain a loving attachment it makes it easier for them to share their fantasies for spicing up their sex life. After all, it’s simply applying the same formula to their sex life: sharing dreams and supporting the actions that will make them come true. So if you want lasting love, look for more than an initial attraction. See if you can also develop a deep understanding of each other’s dreams. If the two of you are a match for how you want your future to unfold, find out if you can build a support system to help you each to move forward. By becoming one another’s “biggest fan,” you’ll create an attachment that will allow those lustful and romantic feelings to be aroused for many years to come.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.