Positive Psychology Column for 11-16-03 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. LOVE OVERCOMES STRESS The most positive emotion is love.  Loving others and being loved gives us the power to override the automatic negative feelings that arise when we’re under stress.  Unfortunately, when we’re in a stressful situation we often allow our anger, anxiety or avoidance reactions to contaminate our loving relationships. Just at the time when we are most in need of a shot of positive to offset the stress, we sabotage our primary source of support.  By bringing our negative energy into our loving relationships we set off a predicable downhill slide into animosity and alienation with those who are closest to us. Most people know that taking it out on the one you love is a self-defeating strategy, but they do it anyhow.  “I just couldn’t help myself,” they say, “because I was having a really bad day.” Actually, just the opposite is true.  You can always help yourself, and when you’re having a bad day is precisely the time to do so. Happiness is the art of responding to the struggles you face in life with choices that create an overwhelming amount of positive in order to counteract the bad times.  To accomplish this involves controlling your thoughts, using your strengths, and keeping your spirit strong. The first step in helping yourself to achieve happiness is to tell yourself that your problems will pass and can be contained to one small area of your life. The rest of your life, you can remind yourself, can continue to provide the positives you need while you’re solving the problem.  In fact, keeping your life in balance by generating positives in your relationships will give you the creativity and confidence you need to successfully resolve the issue you’re facing. By compartmentalizing the problem in one area of your mind and reassuring yourself that everything will turn out well, you are free to think about what would help to make you happy.  When you ask yourself about your emotional needs, you may find yourself yearning for reassurance, or affection, or a little bit of laughter. Ask yourself how you and your partner have successfully dealt with other stressors.  Imagine how could you replicate one of those moments to satisfy your current needs. The second step is to use your strengths to translate your thoughts into actions.  When we’re stressed out we just want someone to take notice and do something to make it better.  But assuming a passive role is unlikely to get you what you need.  Becoming proactive with your partner, on the other hand, gives you a feeling of power and control over your life at a time when you’re needing to reestablish a sense of being able to create positive outcomes.  So rather than waiting for your souse to take the initiative, you need to be the one to infuse your relationship with loving behaviors. The third and final step is to soothe your spirit by having a stress-reducing conversation with your partner.  Explain that you would like to enlist their aid in dealing with a problem because they have been able to help you previously.  Having warmed the water by being loving and then expressing faith in your partner’s ability to be supportive, you will have created ideal conditions for a positive reception for your request. If you are the partner who is being approached, your role is to provide understanding and empathy.  You don’t have to solve the problem.  In fact, it’s unwise to even offer unsolicited advice. Simply show your genuine interest in your partner’s dilemma.  Keep your eyes focused on your spouse.  Ask questions to develop a deeper understanding of your partner’s point of view. Remember that you are on their side, no matter what.  Never side with the opposition even if you think your spouse has contributed to creating the problem.  Your job is to provide emotional support by saying “poor baby.”  Any other response will only produce resentment or dejection. What’s important is to let your partner know that you can understand their reactions to the situation, and to be affectionate.  Once your partner has calmed down, they will develop a better perspective on the problem all on their own. Life is hard sometimes and we all need to feel that we have someone who is our biggest fan. Only after we’ve licked our wounds can we get back into the game and figure out what we need to do differently to create a different result.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.