Achieving Happiness Column for 10-31-04 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. EMOTIONAL BULLIES Matt thinks he’s right most of the time. When he’s talking to his wife, he becomes belligerent if he gets the sense that Elaine isn’t agreeing with him. When Elaine does voice her opinion, he launches into a tirade to get her to back down. She usually does. Recently Matt was talking to his daughter while he was driving home. His 12-year-old wanted to go over to her best friend’s house, but Matt doesn’t approve of that girl’s family. Elaine wanted to have a conversation with the other mother to see what the supervision situation was going to be before giving her daughter an answer. But Matt got himself all worked up as he thought about how horrible it would be for his daughter to spend even a couple of hours at her best friend’s house. By the time he got home, he was enraged that the mother had even considered their daughters request. He walked in the door ranting and raving, blowing the problem all out of proportion. He berated the mother for her poor judgement, and was highly critical of her parenting. Once again Elaine backed down in order to keep the peace. Matt eventually calmed down and ended up feeling that the situation had worked out well. Elaine and her daughter had a different feeling. They despised Matt, which would have come as a surprise to him if he’d have ever made the effort to pay attention to how they felt. It was more important to Matt to be right and to win the argument than it was for him to meet the emotional needs of his family. Even if Matt was correct in his assessment of the problem, he sacrificed the love of his wife and daughter because of how he handled the situation. Matt uses fear to intimidate people so he gets his way. He’s a modern day version of the Wizard of Oz. Matt projects his overblown image because he’s filled with fear that he isn’t good enough. He uses anger to keep the focus on others so he doesn’t have to face his deep-seated insecurity. Angry outbursts are his way of shifting his feelings of inadequacy onto other people. Then he can feel that he’s completely in the right and the other person is totally wrong.   Anyone who thinks they’re usually right in their relationships is usually wrong. They will eventually destroy any positive feelings the other people might have for them. When Elaine’s positive emotions finally perish, the relationship will die. She just won’t care what Matt thinks, wants or demands. She’ll put as much distance between them as possible to protect herself and her daughter. Matt’s worst fears will come true. He will not have been a good enough husband and father to have earned the love of his family. He’ll lose any ability to influence the situation because he’ll have lost their respect. Respect can only be earned, never demanded. Respect is a two-way street - you have to give it to others in order to get it for yourself. Forcing your beliefs onto others and denigrating their views is disrespectful. Other people will always have a different point of view because they’re looking at a situation from a different position. That doesn’t make them wrong. In fact, accepting their viewpoint will round out your perspective because you can see the situation from a different angle. Having a balanced outlook will keep you from getting blind sided, and it will send a message to others that their viewpoint is valued. Being respectful requires that you respect yourself. When your fears of not being good enough rear their ugly head, you need to be able to calmly and convincingly reassure yourself that you have the strength to look at both sides of an issue. Elaine also needs to learn this lesson. She actually shares the same fear as Matt - that she’s not good enough. They represent two sides of the same coin, with Elaine taking the passive/submissive role as her way of avoiding having to take responsibility for how life turns out. She must stand up for what she thinks is important and not simply defer to someone else most of the time. Once she adds assertiveness to her relationship repertoire, she’ll attract people who will see her as a person capable of establishing a win-win relationship. To have a successful and satisfying relationship, both people must have their position acknowledged as legitimate in order to get their needs met.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.