Achieving Happiness Column for 10-24-04 By Tom Muha, Ph.D. SEVEN INGREDIENTS OF LOVE  To have love in your life requires that you learn the seven skills that differentiate between couples who maintain a strong marriage and those who slide into marital misery. These seven ingredients of love represent an integration of the research by John Gottman at the University of Washington and the more recent positive psychology research by Martin Seligman at the University of Pennsylvania. MAPPING YOUR LOVE’S LIFE Having awareness - a map - of what happens each day in your partner’s world is the lifeblood of a loving relationship. Talking 20 minutes every day forms a solid foundation for sustaining a connection as a couple. When people become like ships passing in the night, there can be no caring, no joy, no affection, no humor, no passion. Without mapping, a relationship withers and dies. BUILDING FONDNESS AND ADMIRATION Having a daily discussion about the ups and downs in your partners life provides the opportunity to encourage them during their struggles as well as to applaud their successes. Without five times more positive exchanges than negative, partners become unhappy. Frequently they become critical, which provokes a defensive reaction. This escalates into a contemptuous exchange and ends with the partners stonewalling each other, effectively derailing the mapping process. TURNING TOWARD YOUR PARTNER When problems arise, partners often become flooded with negative emotions, which takes them to an important turning point. Continuing to show positive feelings toward your partner after an angry exchange is the best predictor of marital stability and happiness. Turning toward your partner involves softening your position. Soothing the raw emotions by using humor, affection and support is especially effective in being able to move from conflict to cooperation. But many people turn away from their partner because they think that the problem is so severe that they’re better off working it out alone. Eventually they find sources of satisfaction outside of the relationship and over time end up living parallel lives. That choice leads them to loneliness. MAINTAINING A POSITIVE PERSPECTIVE Looking at life optimistically is the skill that allows you to tell yourself that problems are temporary and can be contained to specific areas of life. Optimists appreciate the positive parts of their partners by telling themselves that those good traits are permanent and will pervade all aspects of their relationship. Pessimists, on the other hand, take the problems personally and see them permanently ruining every realm of their relationship. They dismiss their partner’s attempts to repair the relationship by putting some positive energy into it as merely a passing effort to placate the situation. MANAGING PROBLEMS Some problems that arise in relationships can be resolved, but a whopping 70% are never solved to everyone’s total satisfaction. Frequently there is no middle ground on differences involving personality or core needs. But happy couples find a way to dialogue about such issues in a manner that allows them to continue to have positive feelings for one another.  They fix what they can and make peace with the rest. Successful couples simultaneously communicate acceptance of their partner along with their desire for some degree of improvement regarding their perpetual problems. For those conflicts that can be resolved, couples need to accept that compromise is the cornerstone of a win-win solution. They allow themselves to be influenced by their partner’s position, which permits them to arrive at a mutually acceptable solution. They start their conflict resolution conversations with a soft tone that communicates a cooperative attitude, thereby persuading the other person to join in a constructive conversation. SUPPORTING HOPES AND DREAMS Having hopes and dreams gives your life purpose, a major component of happiness. Couples who help each other to realize their aspirations are able to achieve high levels of both success and satisfaction. But if you don’t feel your partner understands your dreams, or worse, opposes them, then you will see them as the sole source of your problems. Your relationship will be forever locked in fear, limiting your interactions to fight, flight or freeze. MAKING MARRIAGE MEANINGFUL A spiritual connection develops in those couples who understand that they are better together than they would be dealing with life as individuals. They also find that having a spiritual connection to the higher power gives them the faith they need to fight their way through the tough times. Couples who achieve the highest level of happiness understand they are a part of something bigger than they are, which motivates them to work together to help others have a better life.   Tom Muha is a psychologist in Annapolis. He welcomes your comments and questions. To contact him call (443) 454-7274 or email him at tom@achievinghappiness.com.